41 Funny Cactus & Succulent Quotes (That’ll Grow On You)

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When life gives you a cactus, you don’t have to sit on it.  Check out these funny yet witty cactus-inspired quotes for a piece of wisdom on life.

Funny Cactus & Succulents Quotes

1. “Life is like a cactus. Thorny, but beautiful.”

“Life is like a cactus. Thorny, but beautiful.”

2. “I am no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.”

3. “I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed because I thought: Damn I am less nurturing than a desert.” Demetri Martin

4. “I read books so dry even a cactus couldn’t grow on them.” Jarod Kintz

5. “You know you’re an Arizona native when you hug a cactus only once in your lifetime.” Nancy Dedera

6. “Don’t jack off a cactus, you’ll only hurt your hand and the cactus’ feelings.” Tre Cool

7. 'Succ it up buttercup.' Click To Tweet

8. “Cactus classification is similar to fashion on women skirts: They first shorten improperly, and then lengthen excessively.” C. Glass and R. Foster

9. “What is the difference between a cactus and a conservative caucus? On a cactus, the pricks are on the outside.” John Diefenbaker

10. “I had forgotten that talking to you is like trying to pet a cactus.” Ilona Andrews

11. “Tequila is a good drink: you drink it and you feel like a cactus; the only problem is that in the morning and thorns grow inward.”

Related: Robin Williams Quotes on Love, Life, Happiness (LAUGHTER)

 

Cactus & Succulents-Themed Life Quotes

12. “Being negative only makes a negative journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus but you don’t have to sit on it.” Joyce Meyer

"Being negative only makes a negative journey more difficult. You may be given a cactus but you don’t have to sit on it.” Joyce Meyer

13. “We reap what we sow. We cannot expect apples when we have sown the seed of a cactus.”

14. “The trees were in leaf and every plant was blooming, except for the cacti which were being stubbornly prickly.” From God: The Ultimate Autobiography

15. “I remember very clearly someone saying, ‘Don’t shake hands with the cactus,’ and I thought, ‘Well, why not? What could possibly go wrong?’ Shaking hands is a friendly gesture.” Benedict Cumberbatch

16. 'The world is full of cactus, but you don’t have to sit on it.' Will Foley Click To Tweet

17. “Hope is not a resting place but a starting point – a cactus, not a cushion.” H. Jackson Brown Jr.

18. “Adolescence is like cactus.” Anais Nin

Related: Cute Corgi Quotes & Fluffy Butts (Instant Cure for Depression)

 

Cactus & Succulents-Themed Positive Quotes

19. “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy succulents”

“You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy succulents”

20. “Smile, even if you have to stand on a cactus”

21. “Grow positive thoughts.”

22. “Bloom where you are planted.”

23. “Keep going, you are growing.”

24. ####“Don’t let the prickly things in life get you down.”

25. “Sometimes life succs, just stand tall, stay sharp and never desert your dreams.”

26. “Stay sharp!”

Related: (Adorkable!) Love Quotes For Your Nerdy Valentine

 

Cactus & Succulents -Themed Love Quotes

27. “You are beautiful, no matter what shape you are.” unknown

“You are beautiful, no matter what shape you are.”

28. “Roses may say I love you, but the cactus says F*** off.”

29. “Everything succs without you”

30. “You prickled my fancy.”

31. “Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is like hugging a cactus. The tighter you hold on, the more it’s going to hurt.”

32. “Say Aloe to my little friend.”

Related: Bob Marley Quotes on Money, Happiness & Peace

 

Famous Cactus & Succulents Quotes

33. “People trample over flowers, yet only to embrace a cactus.” James Joyce

“People trample over flowers, yet only to embrace a cactus.” James Joyce

34. “I consider it the highest compliment when my employees go out and start their own companies in competition with me. I always send them a plant to wish them well. Of course, it’s a cactus.” (Norman Brodsky, founder and CEO of Perfect Courier)

35. “Naw, I’m not going out there and coming back, looking like you, cactus butt!” Shenzi in The Lion King

36. “Get plenty of sunshine
Accentuate your strong points
Be patient through dry spells
Conserve your resources
Don’t desert your friends
Wait for your time to bloom
Stay sharp!” Ilan Shamir, “Advice from a Cactus”

37. “In thorned regions
Stand the ranks
Of patient cactus
Watching with vegetable
patience
The deserts’ dying
The winds’ empty voice
As aliens
Obliterate
In well meant ignorance
The cactus
and the
cottonwood —“
Steve Coppinger, from Cactus and the Cottonwood, in Arizona Highways, October 1971

38. “Take the rose—most people think it very beautiful: I don’t care for It at all. I prefer the cactus, for the simple reason that it has a more interesting personality. It has wonderfully adapted itself to its surroundings! It is the best illustration of the theory of evolution in plant life.” Charles Proteus Steinmetz

39. “Even from far away, I could see people being chased by hellhounds, burned at the stake, forced to run naked through cactus patches or listen to opera music.” Rich Riodan, from The Lightning Thief

40. “A tumble from the rocks would probably land us in a cactus—and anyone who’s ever tried to tangle with a teddy bear cactus knows there’s a whole lot more bear than teddy to it.” Kevin Hearne, Hounded, 2011

41. “Rearing three children is like growing a cactus, a gardenia, and a tubful of impatiens. Each needs varying amounts of water, sunlight and pruning. Were I to be absolutely fair, I would have to treat each child as if he or she were absolutely identical to the other siblings, and there would be no profit for anyone in that.” Phyllis Grissim-Theroux

Related: Life Lessons Calvin and Hobbes Give Us (Funny & Deep)

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