61 Eckhart Tolle Quotes on Love & Relationship (Unconscious Partner)

Do you want to improve your relationship? But is often stuck because your partner is not easy to live with?

The wisdom of Eckhart Tolle not only helps us to regain happiness and peace in the Now, but also in love and relationships. The following quotes will show you the meaning of true love and how to deal with arguments and an unconscious partner in a relationship, turning your relationships into a spiritual practice of presence and making them more harmonioius.

Table of Contents

What is love?

True love is not wanting, clinging and self-seeking

1. “To the ego, loving and wanting are the same, whereas true love has no wanting in it, no desire to possess or for your partner to change.”

2. “A genuine relationship is one that is not dominated by the ego with its image-making and self-seeking.”

3. “In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”

4. “On the positive side, you are “in love” with your partner. This is at first a deeply satisfying state. You feel intensely alive. Your existence has suddenly become meaningful because someone needs you, wants you, and makes you feel special, and you do the same for him or her. When you are together, you feel whole. The feeling can become so intense that the rest of the world fades into insignificance. However, you may also have noticed that there is a neediness and a clinging quality to that intensity. You become addicted to the other person. He or she acts on you like a drug.”

5. You are on a high when the drug is available, but even the possibility or the thought that he or she might no longer be there for you can lead to jealousy, possessiveness, attempts at manipulation through emotional blackmail, blaming… Share on X

6. “If the other person does leave you, this can give rise to the most intense hostility or the most profound grief and despair. In an instant, loving tenderness can turn into a savage attack or dreadful grief. Where is the love now? Can love change into its opposite in an instant? Was it love in the first place, or just an addictive grasping and clinging?”

7. “Some couples who may think they have “fallen in love” are actually feeling drawn to each other because their respective pain¬bodies complement each other. Sometimes the roles of perpetrator and victim are already clearly prescribed the time they meet. Some marriages that are thought to be made in heaven are actually made in hell.”

8. “Love as a continuous state is as yet very rare – as rare as conscious human beings. Brief and elusive glimpses of love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind.”

True love has no opposites

9. “You cannot love your partner one moment and attack him or her the next. True love has no opposite.”

10. “If in your relationships you experience both “love” and the opposite of love – attack, emotional violence, and so on – then it is likely that you are confusing ego attachment and addictive clinging with love.”

11. “True love … has no opposite because it arises from beyond the mind”

12. “Love is a state of being. Your love is not outside, it is deep within you. You can never lose it, and it cannot leave you.”

True love is not selective

13. Love is not selective, just as the light of the sun is not selective. It does not make one person special. It is not exclusive. Exclusivity is not the love of God but the ‘love’ of ego. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

14. “The intensity with which true love is felt can vary. There may be one person who reflects your love back to you more clearly and more intensely than others, and if that person feels the same toward you, it can be said that you are in a love relationship with him or her. The bond that connects you with that person is the same bond that connects you with the person sitting next to you on a bus, or with a bird, a tree, a flower. Only the degree of intensity with which it is felt differs.”

15. “If there isn’t an emanation of love and joy, complete presence and openness toward all beings, then it is not enlightenment.”

16. “For what you do to others, you do to yourself.”

True love is presence

17. “All the things that truly matter — beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace — arise from beyond the mind.”

18. “Love as a continuous state is as yet very rare – as rare as conscious human beings. Brief and elusive glimpses of love, however, are possible whenever there is a gap in the stream of mind.”

19. “As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.”

20. “Unless and until you access the consciousness frequency of presence, all relationships, and particularly intimate relationships, are deeply flawed and ultimately dysfunctional. They may seem perfect for a while, such as when you are “in love,” but invariably that apparent perfection gets disrupted as arguments, conflicts, dissatisfaction, and emotional or even physical violence occur with increasing frequency.”

21. “ Living up to an image that you have of yourself or that other people have of you is inauthentic living.”

22. ”Authentic human interactions become impossible when you lose yourself in a role.”

On seeking a romantic partner and sex

23. On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a joyous energy behind what you do. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

24. “The reason why the romantic love relationship is such an intense and universally sought-after experience is that it seems to offer liberation from a deep-seated state of fear, need, lack, and incompleteness that is part of the human condition in its unredeemed and unenlightened state.”

25. “On the physical level, you are obviously not whole, nor will you ever be: You are either a man or a woman, which is to say, one-half of the whole. … The root of this physical urge is a spiritual one: the longing for an end to duality, a return to the state of wholeness. Sexual union is the closest you can get to this state on the physical level. This is why it is the most deeply satisfying experience the physical realm can offer”

26. “But sexual union is no more than a fleeting glimpse of wholeness, an instant of bliss. … You are given a tantalizing glimpse of heaven, but you are not allowed to dwell there, and find yourself again in a separate body.”

27. “Most people pursue physical pleasures or various forms of psychological gratification because they believe that those things will make them happy or free them from a feeling of fear or lack. … This is the unconscious mind-set that creates the illusion of salvation in the future.”

28. Just as with every other addiction, you are on a high when the drug is available, but invariably there comes a time when the drug no longer works for you. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

29. “When those painful feelings reappear, you feel them even more strongly than before, and what is more, you now perceive your partner as the cause of those feelings. This means that you project them outward and attack the other with all the savage violence that is part of your pain”

30. “Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain.”

31. “Whatever the substance you are addicted to – alcohol, food, legal or illegal drugs, or a person – you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”

32. Every addiction starts with pain and ends with pain. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

33. “As long as you are identified with the mind, you have an externally derived sense of self. That is to say, you get your sense of who you are from things that ultimately have nothing to do with who you are: your social role, possessions, external appearance, successes and failures, belief systems, and so on. This false, mind-made self, the ego, feels vulnerable, insecure, and is always seeking new things to identify with to give it a feeling that it exists. But nothing is ever enough to give it lasting fulfillment. Its fear remains; its sense of lack and neediness remains.”

34. “True salvation is a state of freedom – from fear, from suffering, from a perceived state of lack and insufficiency and therefore from all wanting, needing, grasping, and clinging. It is freedom from compulsive thinking, from negativity, and above all from past and future as a psychological need.”

35. “If you cannot be at ease with yourself when you are alone, you will seek a relationship to cover up your unease. You can be sure that the unease will then reappear in some other form within the relationship, and you will probably hold your partner responsible for it.”

36. “You find God the moment you realize that you don’t need to seek God.”

Arguments and Conflicts in Relationships

37. “To love is to recognize yourself in another”

38. “it is… easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than to see it in yourself. It can manifest in many forms: possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, emotional demands and manipulation, the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack, anger, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted by a parent, rage and physical violence.”

39. “In the light of your consciousness, the unconscious pattern will then quickly dissolve. This is the end of all arguments and power games, which are so corrosive to relationships.”

40. “For love to flourish, the light of your presence needs to be strong enough so that you no longer get taken over by the thinker or the pain-body and mistake them for who you are.”

41. “Whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the “madness” in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation. Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment, particularly of your inner state. If there is anger, know that there is anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness, the urge to argue, the need to be right, an inner child demanding love and attention, or emotional pain of any kind — whatever it is, know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing. The relationship then becomes your sadhana, your spiritual practice.”

42. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

43. “The more shared past there is in a relationship, the more present you need to be; otherwise, you will be forced to relive the past again and again.”

44. “Power over others is weakness disguised as strength. True power if within, and it is available to you now.”

45. “To know yourself as the Being underneath the thinker, the stillness underneath the mental noise, the love and joy underneath the pain, is freedom, salvation, enlightenment. To disidentify from the pain-body is to bring presence into the pain and thus transmute it.”

46. “It is not easy to live with an enlightened person, or rather it is so easy that the ego finds it extremely threatening.”

47. If you react at all to your partner's unconsciousness, you become unconscious yourself. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

48. “So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the “madness” in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. It is an opportunity for salvation. Every moment, hold the knowing of that moment, particularly of your inner state. If there is anger, know that there is anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness, the urge to argue, the need to be right, an inner child demanding love and attention, or emotional pain of any kind – whatever it is, know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing. … If you observe unconscious behavior in your partner, hold it in the loving embrace of your knowing so that you won’t react. Unconsciousness and knowing cannot coexist for long – even if the knowing is only in the other person and not in the one who is acting out the unconsciousness.”

What if your partner is unconscious?

49. Do not accuse each other of being unconscious. The moment you start to argue, you have identified with a mental position and are now defending not only that position but also your sense of self. The ego is in charge. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

50. “And it is also easier to recognize the source of negativity in your partner than to see it in yourself. It can manifest in many forms: possessiveness, jealousy, control, withdrawal and unspoken resentment, the need to be right, insensitivity and self-absorption, emotional demands and manipulation, the urge to argue, criticize, judge, blame, or attack, anger, unconscious revenge for past pain inflicted by a parent, rage and physical violence.”

51. “At times, it may be appropriate to point out certain aspects of your partner’s behavior. If you are very alert, very present, you can do so without ego involvement – without blaming, accusing, or making the other wrong.

52. “How many people does it take to make your life into a spiritual practice? Never mind if your partner will not cooperate. Sanity – consciousness – can only come into this world through you. You do not need to wait for the world to become sane, or for somebody else to become conscious, before you can be enlightened. You may wait forever.”

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZUbcCnGrkrw

Acceptance and letting go in relationships

53. “The greatest catalyst for change in a relationship is complete acceptance of your partner as he or she is, without needing to judge or change them in any way. That immediately takes you beyond ego. All mind games and all addictive clinging are then over. There are no victims and no perpetrators anymore, no accuser and accused. This is also the end of all codependency, of being drawn into somebody else’s unconscious pattern and thereby enabling it to continue. You will then either separate – in love – or move ever more deeply into the Now together – into Being.”

54. “Awareness is the greatest agent for change.”

55. “Whenever an answer, a solution, or a creative idea is needed, stop thinking for a moment by focusing attention on your inner energy field. … When you resume thinking, it will be fresh and creative.”

56. “Learn to give expression to what you feel without blaming. Learn to listen to your partner in an open, non-defensive way. Give your partner space for expressing himself or herself. Be present. Accusing, defending, attacking — all those patterns that are designed to strengthen or protect the ego or to get its needs met will then become redundant. Giving space to others — and to yourself — is vital. Love cannot flourish without it.”

57. “In fact, the moment that judgment stops through acceptance of what is, you are free of the mind. You have made room for love, for joy, for peace. First you stop judging yourself; then you stop judging your partner.”

Give up the relationship with ourselves

58. “When you have a relationship with yourself, you have split yourself into
two: “I” and “myself,” subject and object. That mind-created duality is the root cause
of all unnecessary complexity, of all problems and conflict in your life.”

59. “In the state of enlightenment, you are yourself – “you’ and “yourself” merge into one. You do not judge yourself, you do not feel sorry for yourself, you are not proud of yourself, you do not love yourself, you do not hate yourself, and so on. The split caused by self reflective consciousness is healed, its curse removed. There is no “self” that you need to protect, defend, or feed anymore.”

60. When you are enlightened, there is one relationship that you no longer have: the relationship with yourself. Once you have given that up, all your other relationships will be love relationships. Eckhart Tolle Share on X

Relationships make you conscious, not happy

61. “If you continue to pursue the goal of salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship will offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.”

Sources of Quotes: The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment, A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose